Evil Love and it's not with Perry the Platypus!
by Rebbeca Tennant
Summary: or 'My reasons why i dont pair Doof with a girl'. Pretty explanatory in the title. DOES NOT RELATE WITH MY OTHER STORIES AT ALL! ONE-SHOT


_Doofenshmirtz evil incorperaaateeeeeed!  
_  
Perry entered the huge purple building his usual way (which was usually through the open window with the many 'post-it' notes stuck onto it, all failing to remind the doctor to eventually close it). He snuck past the evil lair to find it completely empty.  
'Odd' Perry thought and pressed on.  
56 rooms later (it's a huge building, it has a lot of rooms) he eventually heard laughter. But this wasn't the usual maniacal laughter he heard when his nemesis was building one of his latest contraptions oh no, this sounded…happy, and not in the good sense (which in this case the bad sense). To put in retrospect, it almost sounded like a giggle.

"Oh Claire your so FUNNY at times! Heeheehee!"

Perry blinked, who the heck was Claire?

Perry busted down the door and Doofenshmirtz jumped at the sight of his platypus nemesis standing in the doorway. Perry was even more shocked to find a young women huddling up to Doofenshmirtz who seemed quite startled at his appearance as well. Doofenshmirtz was holding her an arm wrapped over her and his other was holding her hand.

"Doofy? Who is this?" the woman (who Perry guessed was Claire) asked

Doofenshmirtz smiled at her "don't worry honey this is just my nemesis Perry the Platypus, I told you about him remember?" he then glared up at Perry "Perry the platypus have you ever heard of knocking? It's not polite to bust down people's door you know. I should make you pay for that door, again!"

He stopped in his tracks as a small hand lightly brushed his cheek "aww he's just a little platypus Heinz don't make him pay, he didn't know we were" she giggled blushing "'…busy'"

Doofenshmirtz smiled once more, his rage melted away "Your right sweetie I'm sorry" he nuzzled her nose with his beak (I mean nose)

She grinned sweetly "my little liebe a schnitzel..!"

"My Claire-y wary quite contrary..!"

Perry felt quite repulsed at his nemesis's sickly sweet attraction to this girl. The platypus quickly cleared his throat bringing the two love birds back to reality.

Doofenshmirtz chuckled nervously getting up "Ah Perry the Platypus can I talk alone with you for a minute?" he got up his hand still brushing against hers in a cute 'I hate to leave you' kind of gesture thing that people do.

Perry rolled his eyes and dragged Doofenshmirtz by his lab coat out the door.

"We'll have to go into another room since SOMEBODY knocked down the door!" Doofenshmirtz huffed at Perry as he continued to be dragged.

They went into the room next door and Perry dumped him down on the floor.

Doofenshmirtz crossed his arms "you could have at least said hi to her."

Perry crossed his arms with him 'who IS her?'

Doofenshmirtz looked at the wall knowing that Claire was just behind it and sighed lovingly "She's my new girlfriend Claire Perry the Platypus we met just yesterday at the Danville Evil Expo"

Perry crossed his eyes unable to work out how this guy could meet and get so many girls in such a small amount of time.

"She's the sweetest thing ever! All I did last night was text her back and forth 'til about 5 am!" he sighed again feeling his heart soar "and I don't care if my phone bill is huge I love her!" he laughed with glee hugging himself.

Perry shivered at those words and Doofenshmirtz suddenly remembered

"Oh and i-I haven't even had time to do my inator today so er you can just go home."

Perry's heart sank as Doofenshmirtz (almost sprinting) went back to his girlfriend.  
He sat back down on the sofa and Perry peered from the open doorway

"I-I wasn't too long my sweet?"

She smiled leaning in close "not long at all"

She planted her smooth soft lips onto Doofenshmirtz's and Perry's eyes widened in horror.  
What if it was gonna stay like this? What if nothing went wrong? Would Doofenshmirtz lose his evil-ocity? Perry would be out of a job and of a nemesis. He had to stop this.

---------

Doofenshmirtz and Claire were on picnic in Danville Park but Perry was hiding in a tree nearby clutching onto his spy binoculars. A band could be heard nearby (and the montage began).  
_  
Hearts break too fast  
When the sentimental  
Won't stay, won't last  
When it's love at first sight  
So why are my convictions_ **(Perry leans in as they huddle closer and feed each other but falls out of the tree)**_  
Blinded by your spotlight_**  
(Claire and Doofenshmirtz enter a fancy restaurant)**_  
Can't breathe, can't sleep  
Need some medication  
I'll kiss goodbye to my reservations _**  
(Perry is haltingly denied in and watches the couple through a window feeling his anger build)**_  
I know there's other fish out in the sea  
Not for me  
I want you  
_**  
(Remembers their battles together but finds that an imaginary Claire keeps interrupting them)**_  
Hot beat, cold sweat  
Thoughts slippin' under  
Can't fight, no threat  
Cause there's just no use_

If I can't have you  
Then I don't want anyone  
I don't want anyone  
If I can't have you **(Doofenshmirtz offers her a brand new lab coat with a bow attached. She puts it on and hugs him but Perry's blood boils)**_  
Then all the damage has been done  
Baby_**  
(Perry continues to follow them as they re-enter the DEI building)  
**_We can break these rules  
If you wanna have some fun_**  
Perry spies on them through the binoculars whilst Doofenshmirtz is showing Claire his evil control pad)**_  
If you wanna have some fun  
Think of all the love that you would lose  
If I can't have you (If I can't have you) _**(Perry drops his binoculars and the couple turn round)**

----------

Claire put her hands on her hips "Doofy, I hate this guy following us around all the time!"

Doofenshmirtz blinked by his girlfriend's sudden aggressiveness "B-b-but he's my nemesis I have to show him everything, besides he follows me around cos he thinks I'm going to do something evil"

"Well your gonna have to tell him that your quitting evil to be happy with me!"

Doofenshmirtz thrust his body forward in determination "YEAH….wait what?" he realised slouching once more "I have to give up evil?"

"It's either me or the duck beaver Heinz."

"He's a Platypus Claire." he said quite sternly at his girlfriend's negligence.

"Whatever!" she said pressing up against Doofenshmirtz nose "Just pick."

Doofenshmirtz paused looking at Perry and back at her. He sighed taking her hand"…I-I'm sorry Claire. I can't give up evil and leave Perry the Platypus. Never will."

Claire snatched her hand back from his grip "You're choosing him over me?!" she shouted spitting at the word 'him'.

He shrugged "Yes, yes I am"

An awkward silence filled the room, all you could feel was Claire's anger pulse off her.

Doofenshmirtz was suddenly forced onto the floor by a strike from a dark blue handbag.

"After years of being the good girl…I finally have a flashback worthy of tipping me over the edge to my evil side once more." she laughed maniacally "oh it feels GOOD to be back!" she bent down to Doofenshmirtz's level "thanks 'Doofy" she grinned before heading out the door, the lab coat he gave her falling to the floor.

Perry peered over Doofenshmirtz who was just staring up at the ceiling. He finally took in a deep breath and Perry thought he was about to burst into tears

"MAN! That girl's got some issues!"

Perry blinked confused as Doofenshmirtz creased up laughing

"Hahaha! And she said I had to give up evil! Ya like she can talk(!)" he tugged Perry's hat down so it covered his eyes "I would never give up torturing you everyday! Evil's better WAY than love!"

Perry pulled his hat back up smiling at his nemesis.

Doofenshmirtz got up thinking "Now…where were we again?"  
A trap slammed down on Perry causing him to crouch slightly  
"oh yeah now I remember!"

Doofenshmirtz cackled but Perry just rolled his eyes and smiled 'Glad to have you back'  
_**  
THE END**_


End file.
